Naritai.
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: [Completed] This is an analysis fic from the perspective of each main character of YnM about longing...
1. Chapter 1 - Hope.

Disclaimer: Yami No Matsuei isn't mine, but Yoko Matsushita-sensei's. I just adore Hisoka enough to write about him.  
  
  
  
No more. I don't want this anymore.  
  
Naritai. (I want to become.) By Miyamoto  
  
Chapter 1 - Hope.  
  
There was a case today. And a baby had died. I had put my hand over him thinking, "Maybe it's for the best."  
  
His coldness made my hands want to bleed onto him. If only I could give you my life.  
  
But in my heart, I was saying, "It isn't fair."  
  
And all I could say was, "I'm sorry."  
  
What was I saying sorry for? Nothing. It just felt appropriate.  
  
The mother cried in my arms and all I could do was look at her and hug her with all that I could. I wanted to say, "At least he was human.and he was well loved."  
  
Even for three days, he was well-loved.  
  
When we left, Hisoka asked, "Want some ice cream?"  
  
I laughed and smiled at him. "Sure, why not?"  
  
It was his way of cheering me up: feeding me food. It never failed.  
  
He always tries so hard. To make me happy, I mean.  
  
I happily ate my ice cream as we walked down the street while heading back to the office.  
  
"Just stop it," he said exasperated. It was in a tone higher than usual.  
  
I had become accustomed to his monotonous voice telling me how he really felt inside. This one meant that he was frustrated with me. "Stop what?" I blinked my purple eyes at him.  
  
"Come here." He pulled my sleeve as we entered one of the small, private conference rooms.  
  
He pushed me to sit on the desk as he grabbed my body to hug me. "Stop it, Tsuzuki."  
  
I couldn't see his face, but I could tell he was about to cry. I frowned.  
  
I never can make you happy, can't I, Hisoka? Not with you always worrying even though you never say anything.  
  
"I can't fool you, can't I, Hisoka?" I smiled wistfully.  
  
"Of course you can't," he answered matter-of-factly.  
  
I laughed. "I guess so."  
  
"You looked at that child with eyes I've never seen before," he mumbled as his hands grabbed onto my trenchcoat.  
  
I. I want you to understand. But I'm no good with explanations. They hurt so much, Hisoka.  
  
"What were you thinking, Tsuzuki?" he asked me gently. "Tell me what you were thinking."  
  
"That child was well-loved." I laughed as my eyes became glassy. "That child was loved so much. You could feel it in the air."  
  
He hugged me even tighter.  
  
"I.I want." I began to speak up but I trailed off and shut up.  
  
I'm such a little kid. What the hell am I mumbling about?  
  
Then, I became defensive as I tried to wring away from him. "Please let go of me."  
  
It was my only defense. You stay away and you won't get hurt. You won't hurt the other person.  
  
You're fooling yourself again, Tsuzuki.  
  
"No," he quietly protested.  
  
"No matter how many times you've told me, 'You're human, Tsuzuki', some part of my heart will never accept it." I sighed as my voice cracked as my heart cringed.  
  
"Tsuzuki?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You don't believe anything I say?" He then pushed me away with a huff.  
  
"What are you saying? Of course I do!"  
  
"Then why can't you believe the most important thing I'm telling you." He began to lean on the wall with his head down. "I shouted for you to stay for my sake that day, Tsuzuki."  
  
He looked up to watch my eyes carefully. "I never regretted being that selfish. But I'm hurt to see you regretting what you said to me."  
  
My eyes opened in shock.  
  
"Can't I make anyone happy?" I said as I grabbed my head which was slightly in pain.  
  
He then walked back up to me and held my cheek. I looked up to him as he tilted his head and smiled sadly. "I believe in you. That's why I can't leave you."  
  
As he kissed my forehead, he answered, "If you didn't, what was the point of me walking through the fire for you?"  
  
When he turned around, I grabbed his hand and started to embrace him with my hands clinging onto his shirt from the back. Crying, I let out the silent tears that couldn't be described.  
  
The ones where I was hoping desparately yet letting that hope die at the same time.  
  
"I.I want to be human too." I sobbed.  
  
"We all do," he answered me. "But Tsuzuki, Human doesn't mean your skin or the blood that goes through your veins."  
  
He looked at me as we touched forehead to forehead with our bangs crossing one another's faces.  
  
His eyes are green. So green. Whenever I look into those eyes, there is always something different to see.  
  
Green means hope.  
  
"Human means compassion." He then got my left hand and put his on top of it over my heart.  
  
"This is what a human is, Tsuzuki."  
  
My eyes opened wide slightly as I leaned my head on his chest in silence.  
  
I.  
  
Hisoka.  
  
"Thank you," I whispered as I took his face into my hands and began to kiss him on the lips.  
  
-- author's note: Well, all I can say is that I felt very intense making this piece. * sigh * (I got lost today and walked for an hour and a half in the hot sun not knowing where I was going.)  
  
Thank you to those of you who read my first YnM fic and all the wonderful feedback! =^_^= I really do appreciate it!!! 


	2. Chapter 2 - Faith.

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei is by Yoko Matsushita and so all rights are held to her.  
  
Naritai... (I want to become.) By miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 2 - Faith.  
  
I stared at his closed eyes in alarm. I didn't know what to do. But I didn't want to let him go.  
  
Doki doki...  
  
I felt like I was losing him. And if I voluntarily let go. I don't know what I'd do.  
  
I didn't know how to comfort him. I didn't even know how to comfort myself.  
  
Are you doing this out of desparation? Are you doing this out of care? I couldn't feel anything but hold onto him as he started kiss my cheek and down the nape of my neck.  
  
I didn't know how much I had wanted his touch until he had kissed me. I didn't know how much it would hurt either.  
  
My heart ached from the unknown repression.  
  
How far and numb I had made myself to humanity. And yet, here was a man who wanted to become human.  
  
Someone who gave so much of his heart that he was going to lose his mind over it. And I watched it all so painfully.  
  
No wonder our fortunes said we were in compatible.  
  
I salvaged my heart. I tried to keep as much as I could. I could be awful like that.  
  
In order to do that, I had to not show too much emotion. Tears are wasteful things and yet I find myself overflowing with them whenever I see you Tsuzuki.  
  
Even as he was undoing my buttons and kissing my chest softly, I felt like ice. I couldn't feel him. His warm could not penetrate through the barrier I set even for myself.  
  
And I desparately wanted to touch him. I wanted him to touch me.  
  
I held onto him as if he would never let me catch either his mind or his heart.  
  
Either was out of my reach and I knew it all too well.  
  
When I was alive, I thought about so many things. And I wondered about why I had to die the way I did. Was it a punishment for my mistakes? I wanted to know.  
  
I opened my eyes to stare at Tsuzuki over me. I wanted to ask him did he even care for me.  
  
Do you love me, Tsuzuki?  
  
As I thought this, my heart cringed and felt burdened by the weight.  
  
I called out his name softly to his ear. But I felt like it wasn't reaching him at all.  
  
Can you hear me at all? Don't you understand what I'm trying to tell you?  
  
I.I never wanted anything so much in my whole life...  
  
I just want to be with you, Tsuzuki.  
  
I know it sounds really sappy. But that's all I want.  
  
I want to become the person you can confide in, Tsuzuki. The one you truly trust.  
  
Maybe. The one you care for the most.  
  
Even when I don't show much emotion and I talk to you in my mind, you accept me. And I accept you just the same.  
  
I know I'm not good about saying what's on my mind, but please try to. Some part of me thinks that someday you will understand.  
  
I believe in you, Tsuzuki.  
  
My eyes closed as I hugged him as he devoured my soul along with my body.  
  
A single tear slipped from my right eye as I cupped his face within my hands. I kissed him with all the strength that I had.  
  
I kissed you until we both couldn't breath.  
  
But even that wasn't enough, Tsuzuki. I tasted your mouth with my hope and love... But the sadness between us remains.  
  
Even your kiss tastes like tears.  
  
-- Author's note: I know Hisoka's really ooc, but I really think he's emotional in his mind than he presents himself to be. I love this boy! While I made this chapter, my heart cringed and I felt like I couldn't breath. * sniff, sniff * Poor Hisoka.  
  
Woohoo! Yea for me. I finished my third fanfic today. 


	3. Chapter 3 - Charity.

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei's not mine.  
  
Naritai. (I want to become.) By Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 3 - Charity.  
  
"Namida ga afureru," I hummed to myself as I entered an empty room to find some kind of peace. It was a song I had heard on the radio. That's right. Tears are overflowing.  
  
Everywhere.  
  
I sighed aloud as I slumped into a chair and took off my glasses to rub my face from the reality I had seen.  
  
The child had died. Someone had killed that child with their own hands.  
  
And when the woman cried in Tsuzuki's arms, his eyes looked at Hisoka. Then, he lowered them as he hugged her back.  
  
But I knew. He himself wanted to cry.  
  
Sometimes he doesn't understand himself and that's where I come in. I try to provide all the answers.  
  
That's all I can do. Provide answers for you.  
  
And yet, I never answer or deny my own.  
  
Comfort? Do I really provide you comfort Tsuzuki? Your eyes look like they're going to cry. And I want to cry with you. But that cannot be.  
  
It's not my place anymore.  
  
"You take care of him," I said to Hisoka as I patted his shoulder. With that, I was supposed to give up on you, Tsuzuki.  
  
I laughed to myself as I swirved the chair a bit and tapped my fingers nervously on the table in front of me. "Ha," I answered myself. "That's as easy as telling myself, 'You'll quit.'"  
  
I almost did quit this business.  
  
You know why? I couldn't stand seeing you.  
  
I got jealous one time. Jealous to the point that I almost took you in my arms and kissed you. But when your purple eyes blinked at me, I knew better.  
  
I couldn't take advantage of that moment. I was doing the wrong thing. My emotions shouldn't override good judgment.  
  
It was the way you looked at Hisoka one time. And the way he looked at you.  
  
My hands were trembling in my pockets as I saw this. Whether it was from pain, loss, anger, jealous.I couldn't tell at that moment.  
  
I'm a calm and collected person. Only, I lose this somewhat whenever I'm with you. How long can I keep up this charade?  
  
Behind my silence, there was much to bear. There is much tolerance. If you knew who I was before.  
  
.would you accept me as you do now, Tsuzuki?  
  
Even I doubt that somewhat. This is the stem of my insecurity.  
  
"We must respect his wishes," I had said to Hisoka. I looked at him as he gave me a look of defiance.  
  
I was a coward, I know. I didn't know if I was strong enough to stop you, Tsuzuki. But then again, I didn't want to see you like this.  
  
You lost your mind. I had seen that before. That's why I knew what happened. Like that time I was with you in Kyoto when we were partners.  
  
Last time. I was the one to save you. But in the process, I lost myself too.  
  
You woke up after being unconscious, but I was the one to pull you from that fire. I saved you first.  
  
It was then that I knew that I loved you more than as my friend and partner.  
  
I hugged you and whispered, "It's all right. Don't worry. It is not your fault." But you trembled with fear and dazed eyes while protesting, "No.It is."  
  
I shook my head.  
  
There was nothing I could do.  
  
But I can't just accept it. I can't just watch this like sand running through my fingers.  
  
I want to become the one that comforts you. For always.  
  
I want to hold you and tell you that everything's all right. But I can't. I would be lying to you. And that's the last thing I'd ever want to do to you.  
  
I shook my head. But you wouldn't know that. I would never let you know.  
  
This will stay where it should be. Locked in some place within my soul unable to opened. Only if you voluntarily come to me.  
  
I'm so frustrated.  
  
I love you to the point that I would let you do something that was bad for you. Under the pretense of 'I respect your wishes because this is the decision you have made.'  
  
Was I wrong to say and do that?  
  
I sighed. What the hell am I thinking about? Why now?  
  
I put my glasses on and folded my hands in contemplation. At that moment, you came into the room.  
  
"Tatsumi." you mumbled.  
  
There. That's the look that makes me bleed.  
  
He came to me and grabbed my shirt again with tears in his eyes. I embraced him with my head on top of his.  
  
You only show me your inner most feelings. These are the emotions you never show the world. Your true self is when you're with me.  
  
I know that. I know many things that you don't, Hisoka. And you must find them yourself.  
  
Tsuzuki is a fragile person. As fragile as broken glass with a million pieces. Like an ice cube slowing melting away.  
  
Then, you strangely asked at that moment, "Lie to me, Tatsumi." "I never cared about you," I answered harshly. He held me tighter.  
  
This is all I have, Hisoka. Please don't take it away from me.  
  
Please. Please don't take him away from me.  
  
My eyes closed painfully as I hugged him tighter.  
  
I'm too late.  
  
Hisoka. You have Hisoka's scent.  
  
I held onto his shirt lightly, but it was in desparation.  
  
Little by little, I'm giving you away, Tsuzuki.  
  
And it isn't by choice.  
  
-- Author's note: I beat my personal record. Four fanfics! ^_^v Hope you like it though.  
  
I know this perspective of Tatsumi is strange. He isn't so calm in my fic. But I thought that there must be a balance. Like Kasumi in Ranma. You can't be that way unless it's a reaction to something else. But if you must know, Tatsumi's my second favorite next to Hisoka in YnM. 


	4. Chapter 4 - Love.

Disclaimer: YnM isn't mine.  
  
Naritai. (I want to become.) By Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 4 - Love.  
  
I held the door and opened it to find Hisoka sitting on the desk before me distraught. It was something that was rare to see. So, I was very concerned.  
  
"Hey, what's up?" I said with my cheerful voice.  
  
"Nothing," he answered as he shook his head.  
  
"You're still thinking about the case, aren't you?" I nodded my head understandingly as I patted his shoulder. "And about Tsuzuki."  
  
He didn't change his expression.  
  
"I.I just want to be alone right now. I'm sorry," he mumbled.  
  
Nodding my head with an affirmative, I left the room. Before I did, I threw him a calpi candy. "Don't think too much. You just have to get used to it. Tsuzuki's.always attached, let's just say."  
  
I smiled. "That's why you like him so much." I winked at him as he cracked a smile. "Thanks," he responded.  
  
"That's what friends do," I said matter-of-factly as I closed the door.  
  
It was then that I once again looked for a room. My bad luck was just as bad as my drawing skills. I sweatdropped.  
  
Watch this door be with-Oh my. It is.  
  
"Hi guys!" I greeted with a sweatdrop from my forehead. "I'm sorry if I interrupted anything."  
  
There was Tatsumi hugging Tsuzuki in front of me. Tatsumi looked away in slight alarm as Tsuzuki let go and wiped his eyes. "No, come in."  
  
I shook my head as I tried to keep my eyes away from staring. To calm myself, I patted Tsuzuki on the head. "Here, have a candy."  
  
I took one randomly from my pocket. "In fact, have two."  
  
Tsuzuki gave me a skeptical look. "You didn't spike these, did you?"  
  
"I swear, I didn't." I gave a sigh of appalled shock. "I can't believe you think so lowly of me."  
  
"You've done it before."  
  
"So I have." But, I smiled sincerely. "Here, have two. It's my medicine for today."  
  
Then, I left with a wave. "See you guys later!"  
  
But I wasn't heading for my lab today. The chemist inside of me didn't want to come out.  
  
Not after seeing that scene.  
  
My eyes lowered to the ground as I took my jacket and left the office. As I looked up to the bright afternoon sky, I felt even more sad.  
  
The child. Hisoka was so worried about the child and then he is now so worried about Tsuzuki. Tatsumi sees Tsuzuki's distress and is comforting him.  
  
I laughed as I took a leaf into my hands and twirled it.  
  
Funny how life and love are.  
  
Then, I let the leaf go with the wind as it fell into the lake before me.  
  
The park is so peaceful even though there are so many people. I leaned on the railing and looked at the water.  
  
"I keep on acting like there's nothing wrong in the world. Not a care." I sighed.  
  
I remember that person from long ago who helped in school. I wasn't so calm as I am now. I was pretentious that I got myself to the ER once. That's how I decided to become a doctor. To help people like myself. And that special person I held in my heart had not even known that I made that decision because of them helping me.  
  
For everything. I could never thank you for anything.  
  
For a moment, I couldn't breathe as I felt my heart become hard within me.  
  
But I cannot draw you. That is just a fake spirit, isn't it?  
  
It's just not the same.  
  
What I would give to have you back here. But life and love are so twisted that I don't want to deal with it anymore.  
  
In a way, you were cruel. You were my best friend and then you leave me. It wasn't out of malice. You just had to move away. We went our separate ways as friends. I have nothing to show for it though. Only my life.  
  
I want to draw you.  
  
My heart sank at that moment.  
  
But I'm constantly reminded of you, you know that? Through my friend, Tatsumi.  
  
He even wears his glasses like you did and doesn't talk very much.  
  
But there's a main difference: You were warm. He isn't.  
  
I gulped.  
  
How about if. .Tatsumi is your reincarnation in some way?  
  
Sounds strange, I know.  
  
Some part of me wishes it were so. My mind says, 'That's just sick.' My heart says, 'Stop doing this to yourself.'  
  
I don't ask for much anymore from life. All I want is to become stronger. Stronger to overcome my feelings and stop running away from myself when I'm alone.  
  
That's all.  
  
Ripples began to appear before me in the water. My tears fell to the water exactly as rain does to the pavement when it pours.  
  
It hurts to see something you can't have almost everyday of your life. Even when you were alive I thought this way.  
  
And every time I look at Tatsumi, I'm constantly reminded of this very fact.  
  
And everyday gets a little harder to pretend to be carefree.  
  
-- Author's comment: I really like this. I really like doing this fic. 


	5. Chapter 5 - Respect.

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei is made by Matsushita-sensei.  
  
Naritai. (I want to become.) By Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 5 - Respect.  
  
"Oh, how lovely," I had commented when I saw the blond doctor looking at the lake before me.  
  
How I wish it were my prey though. If only it were that easy.  
  
I laughed at myself as I left the scene to meander. Meander I say with a mission.  
  
Pity. Poor Tsuzuki.  
  
I feel hungry. I feel _very_ hungry indeed.  
  
Because I lived among the shadows, I walked through alleyways. When I took a step onto the street, I retreated within a split second. I looked up and saw his miraculous shadow approach.  
  
"Caught you," I breathlessly said as I hugged him and enwrapped my arms to keep him from leaving. Pulling him further and further on the dark alleyway, I pushed him against a wall.  
  
"Muraki," he whispered as if unamused.  
  
But I looked at my purple-eyed beauty and was quite disappointed.  
  
"Such an expression for such a beautiful face," I commented with my eyebrows almost touching one another in concern.  
  
"You killed it, didn't you?" he accused. "I know you did it."  
  
"And what if I did? What are you going to do about it?" I threatened calmly.  
  
I pressed his hands on the wall and continued to stare at his radiant eyes.  
  
He didn't say anything and sighed.  
  
"Don't you." he looked at me seriously. "Don't you care about anything?"  
  
"As long as it fulfills my needs, I do."  
  
"Then why did you kill that child? Tell me!"  
  
"That child was going to die within four years, Tsuzuki," I answered as I looked away from him. "He had a bad heart."  
  
"Then why did you kill him and not give him the four years?!"  
  
"Tsuzuki." I sighed as I looked at him and caressed his cheek. "The child's parents didn't tell you that they were related, am I right?"  
  
"Stop lying to me." He started to become angry as well as more disgusted with me. "I won't believe it!"  
  
"I was their doctor, Tsuzuki," I said as I took a hold of his chin a bit firmly. "His parents were unmarried first cousins."  
  
Tsuzuki let out a gasp. "I'm not listening to this!"  
  
"You wouldn't know about your parent being adulterous," I replied a bit harshly.  
  
"Muraki." he sighed.  
  
The more I look at you, I'm reminded of my hate for Saki. Saki, the brother I had wanted to become close to. But he had shattered my life as easily as I had taken that child's.  
  
Maybe. I felt sorry for it.  
  
I was sick of the little baby boy looking for reason to live. He looked like a mirror to me. A haunting reflection of myself.  
  
I couldn't stand it.  
  
But I had grown to love Saki in some way. As much hate as I had for him, I wanted him to accept me in some way. I wanted him to care about me.  
  
All I wanted was your respect, Saki.  
  
I began to kiss Tsuzuki on the ear as I made my way down his body. Tsuzuki just stood there looking to the side frightened.  
  
Maybe it's just some sick obsession of trying to find your affection towards me Saki. But as I stood up to kiss Tsuzuki on the neck once more, I laughed inside of myself while pulling his coat and shirt below his shoulders.  
  
I laughed even more as I felt the presence of Hisoka on his body. How very interesting..  
  
"But Tsuzuki." I whispered to his ear. "I love your gentleness. You will never corrupt yourself if you stay this way."  
  
Maybe this had to do with my grandfather and his work. His fascination with Tsuzuki had passed onto me.  
  
He loved Tsuzuki. Quietly or as violently as it was.  
  
I knew that. His logs and pictures didn't have to tell me this.  
  
Then, I touched Tsuzuki's lips lightly though I didn't kiss him.  
  
As much as I loved tormenting the boy, I didn't want to defile him with my touch. That's why all I could do was kiss him all over his body.  
  
I loved teasing him.  
  
"Tsuzuki." I embraced him as I placed my head on his shoulder.  
  
I wanted to desparately capture this unknown feeling deep inside of me that was attracted towards him in some strange way. It gnawed on me until I had completely satisfied myself with trying to find him.  
  
"You ask me if I care for anything?" I asked. "Once you're at the path of destruction, there is no turning back. It's like an undying desire trying to be quenched but never is."  
  
I held his neck with both of my hands and looked at him eye-to-eye. "I'm a disgusting man, I know. I know you detest me with all fiber of your being. Just as much as Hisoka."  
  
"Muraki," Tsuzuki asked breathlessly, "Don't you love anything?"  
  
I want to be free the chains that bind to my grandfather and my half- brother. I want to become a person again.  
  
A human.  
  
But that can never be.  
  
I carved myself to be inhuman. I had carved my own destructive path.  
  
And so, I wander in the darkness until I finish my goal. Or if someone kills me first.  
  
No one would be crazy enough to truly accept someone as psychotic as myself. Enough to kill me with their hate or protect me with their love.  
  
"Yes.and I have to kill him with my own hands."  
  
It was then that I buttoned up Tsuzuki's shirt and pushed him away from me.  
  
I have to keep my composure. I almost showed my weakness.  
  
"Get away from me," I commanded as I turned around and walked back into the shadows.  
  
Fear is the same as respect, isn't it, Saki?  
  
Get away before I keep you, Tsuzuki.  
  
Get away before I love you so much, I'll kill you.  
  
Or worse yet. .before you lose your gentleness. Just as I had.  
  
-- Author's note: Damn. I even got shivers going down my spine when I made this so I had to stop to think to do this. Maybe I've loved and written too many Seishirou and Subaru fics. Ahahaha. Ahem. He _is_ my third favorite YnM character after all. Yeah, yeah, I know I go for sick people. But then again, you guys will get twisted fics because of this. There is an upside? ^_~  
  
Yea! I finished three again today!  
  
I love this chapter too. This is dedicated to you, Kuiama. ^_~ 


	6. [final] Chapter 6 - Understanding.

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei's not mine. And "Stay Away" is by L'arc en Ciel.  
  
Naritai. (I want to become.) By Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 6 - Understanding. [final]  
  
I stared at Muraki as he was engulfed by the darkness.  
  
"You can't." I mumbled.  
  
I can't believe my hand is reaching out for him. After what he had done to me right now and I had let him.  
  
I watched you kiss me.  
  
Grab.  
  
Muraki did not turn around as he warned, "Let go of me, Tsuzuki."  
  
He's. He's the same as me in some way. I can feel it.  
  
"Look at us. You have become someone inhuman. And I want to become human." I laughed at our faults. "Isn't that funny, Muraki? Isn't it as twisted sick as your mind?"  
  
I then turned him around and grabbed his collar as he let me pound his back upon a wall in the alleyway. "You think you can pick who lives and who dies? Even if that child's parents were first cousins!"  
  
"He would have to live with a stain all his life that wasn't made by him," he answered with his eyes like slits.  
  
"But who are you to kill him?!" I shouted as my hands trembled. I then shook my head. "You don't know.you don't know anything."  
  
"You know why I let you have your way with me?" I asked loudly.  
  
I wanted to find this answer myself.  
  
"I wanted to know if you really cared for anything."  
  
He just looked at me unmoved.  
  
"And you do." I clenched his jacket until my fingers bled from pressing my fingernails into my skin. "You pushed me away because you were scared that I would know."  
  
Silence.  
  
"This.this is how you kiss someone." I pulled his hair and kissed him on the mouth with full force and just as passionately as I had with Hisoka but not as lovingly.  
  
He stared at me alarmed. "Tsuzuki."  
  
Even he can be surprised. He must really-  
  
"Wakatta," he said as I let him go. "You win for today, Tsuzuki."  
  
He then walked off once more as I stood there watching him.  
  
I don't know why I did that. But I knew that only we understood what that meant. Something beyond words. It wasn't love or obsession.  
  
I thought I would kiss someone who was just a shell. But I was just as surprised to find that his cold body held warm lips.  
  
He.had hope yet.  
  
I then left even more distressed than ever and walked home quickly.  
  
I wanted to lie in my bed for a while. I didn't even feel like eating.  
  
Then, I saw something on the ground and picked it up. It was a green jade piece. "Hisoka. It's like his eyes."  
  
Hisoka. I didn't mean to betray you.  
  
You always try so hard to make me happy and I try to do the same. But I feel like I just cause you more pain. The more we get close, I try to push you away.  
  
You even let me touch you and caress your body while I was trying to find an answer to why you cared so much for me.  
  
It was then that I realized how far you would let me go.  
  
You would let me do anything. Except die.  
  
And I looked away in shame as I dressed back up while you continued to sit on the desk after putting on your clothes. You stared at me with such sad eyes and I couldn't take it.  
  
"Causes stain.stay away," I had sung softly as I dressed.  
  
"You shouldn't care so much for me," I mumbled to him after I had finished.  
  
"I can't help it," he answered. "You cared about me. Even though you didn't know me, you came to rescue me from Muraki. I never forgot that."  
  
He held my hand with both of his. "I'm just telling you that you can come to me too."  
  
My eyes closed painfully. He let go and I left the room.  
  
"Maybe happy. Maybe happy. I dare say I'm happy," I sang softly with a heavy heart.  
  
I was running away from him. It's because I love you, Hisoka.  
  
I'll hurt you too if you stay with me.  
  
Just like with the children a long time ago. They said I was a blemish to the community. And I wondered why. I always thought about that while I was trying to get away.  
  
Doki doki doki.  
  
I slit my wrists, but my body wouldn't let me die.  
  
And still, I wandered around Japan with no purpose. I was angered and disappointed with the fact of why I had to live if no one wanted me at all.  
  
Then. I met Tatsumi.  
  
Someone had died before I could save them. They were burned to ashes even though they were calling out to me.  
  
It was all my fault. I didn't get there in time.  
  
I tried to slit my wrists again and I went insane. I laughed so much to take the pain away from me. "Please kill me," I had prayed. "No more. I don't want this anymore."  
  
In that abandoned warehouse, I was smiling at the reality of it all.  
  
And I wanted to end it. To even try to see if my perfect body would at last be mortal.  
  
It is a burden to live. There are happy moments, but when you know you have the possibility of living forever, what's the point?  
  
"Tsuzuki!!! TSUZUKI!!!!!!!!" I had never heard Tsuzuki scream so loud in his whole life as I saw him run towards me in the flames with his hands out to me. I was fading to unconsciousness as my eyes closed and he was coming closer and closer.  
  
"We have to break up," he said shortly after this incident.  
  
And I hated him for it. He pushed me away when I finally started to show some affection and wanted to trust someone.  
  
But I can't help but love him. He saved my life.  
  
"Do you think I did the right thing?" he had asked me once after Hisoka had saved me from Suzaku's flames.  
  
It was then that my annoyance and pain vanished. I realized how much he had cared all long. We were the same. We pushed people that cared for us away.  
  
I looked up to the moon. "Please.someone tell me what to do."  
  
Where did I come from? And where am I going?  
  
A shinigami is a death angel. A human is someone with a compassionate heart and understands humanity in general.  
  
I am neither. And yet I am torn by both.  
  
I don't know what I want though. I'm always going to wander around not knowing what to do. I don't understand myself, what I am, and what I'll become if I keep this up.  
  
The more things I find, the more lost I become.  
  
But I want to continue to understand. And I want someone to understand me.  
  
To truly accept me without me being scared to let them know who and what I really am.  
  
It was then that I looked at the green jade in my hand. All I have is hope.  
  
I turned around to find Hisoka in back of me. We stared at each other in surprise.  
  
"Hisoka." I smiled wistfully. I then grabbed him and embraced him. "I'm sorry I ran away again."  
  
Plop. His brown grocery bag fell to the floor.  
  
"It's all right. You know I understand." He hugged me back and I could feel him smiling with his monotonous tone. "You know I am going to get you back."  
  
My eyes closed as I placed my head on his shoulder. For the first time in my life, I feel like something has been lifted from me.  
  
My guilt for being what and who I am is starting to melt and fade away.  
  
"I will hurt you if you stay with me, Hisoka." I said almost unable to say my words.  
  
In endearment, he answered firmly, "I don't care."  
  
End.  
  
--  
  
Author's final notes: Okay, so that was REALLY ooc. But I thought it was very thought provoking so that's why I made this chapter. And it was sweet in some sadistic way.  
  
I guess this is really a personal achievement. Eight fics in two days!!! I'm so happy! _And_ I've finished this fic within a day and a half. ^_^v  
  
I would have started with Hisoka, but then I thought that Tsuzuki is the thread that weaves everything together, so I thought it would better to focus there. Yes, there is nothing really resolved, but I did that on purpose. I myself am troubled if I want Tsuzuki with Tatsumi or with Hisoka. I love both and would be happy if either got him. But as one reader said, "But I hate triangles!" Yes, they do make someone sad, but that's life. * sighs * What can we do? I named the chapters after a prayer that I say every night. "Faith, hope, charity, love and understanding." I thought this would be a nice feel since they are shinigami. The Angels of death tortured. And I picked certain people for specific chapters. But I loved the feel of how they all went together. Plus, I wanted it as 6 for evilness, yet imperfection. Yeah, I know. I think too much. And Akane, I couldn't find your e-mail so I wanted to personally thank you. I was happy when you said I inspired you to make fanart. ^_~ And thanks to you K-chan for pointing out my error! ^_^v  
  
Again, I love love love Hisoka!!!!! His green eyes drive me nuts just like Subaru's!!!!  
  
Thank you for reading! Love, yui  
  
8/3/02 


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